Monday, January 14, 2013

The Voice inside my head...

I have a voice - who's name happens to be Voice - inside my head that talks me pretty much every day.

Voice is not an auditory hallucination, such as that suffered by schizophrenics, it's just a voice that usually sounds remarkably like me, and very occasionally like someone else.

Voice is always nearby, ready and waiting for an opportunity to speak to me.  Usually when I am feeling good about something, and usually when I don't want to hear what it has to say.

Today wasn't like that.  Today I wanted to hear Voice.  Today, I began Week 1 of Pre-Season, and our task is to discover and document all of our excuses.

This, I thought, will be easy!  I have that many, that sometimes I brag about them.  'Oh, I can justify anything', I'll say, 'for example, chocolate is a health food.'  I know I know, it gets worse - 'Chocolate has dairy, for calcium (builds strong bones), the cocoa is derived from the seed pod of the Cacao tree - it's practically a fruit!  Then there is the sugar, well there are your carbs, for energy...' need I go on?  I'm not proud of it, but there you are.

So I sat down with pen and paper, and went looking for Voice.  But it wasn't there.  It was nowhere to be found.  Where is Voice?  This is hard.  Voice, rather mysteriously, had nothing to say!  Is this a good thing?  Surely it must be, because obviously being this fat is not my fault!  I don't make excuses - I have perfectly valid reasons for what I eat and why I don't exercise.

I told BFF that Voice wasn't around and I didn't know what to write.  She said "Here's something you can write down. You can write down how nice you are, how helpful you are, how much you love coffee..." (God bless her little (size 11) cotton socks, she always know just what to say).  Voice was there, all of the sudden, practically shouting at me is that the best thing she has to say about you?! That you like coffee??  Wow.  Yeah.  You are good, aren't you!  Pfft!   - Voice had turned up right on cue!  For a change, Voice had said just what I needed to hear, just when I needed to hear it, because that, what it said, I knew in my heart of hearts to be untrue.

That was at 3.10pm this afternoon.  3 hours and 2 full A4 pages (still going) of Voice's hateful whispers, and 2 pages of my own feeble external excuses, and I am feeling physically ill.  I want to be sick.  There is so much.  More than I had ever realised.  I always knew there was a psychological component to weight gain/loss, but wow.  Just.  WOW.

Is the nausea real???

Or is it Voice, trying to get me to give up???

It's too late for you now Voice, this is the beginning of your end.

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