Last night the wheels fell off my little red wagon.
BM was on night shift, and so it was just DD and me at home, I was in the lounge watching tele, she was in her room watching her own current favourite show - Grey's Anatomy.
It was quite late, and the grapes that are in the fridge aren't nice at all, so I wouldn't eat them. Sweet tooth going untended!
You know, those yummy chocolate flavoured jelly babies?
So there I was, doing all the usual self dialogue - 'go on take them - NO!' etc and suddenly I switched gears. I started planning how to eat them without anyone finding out, how to get across the room without DD hearing me and catching me! I mean, WTF?
I was actually planning how to cross a room quietly to sneak some food, planning the best time to do it, waiting for DD to either fall asleep or to reach a noisy part in her show...
I eventually went and got them - after a minor surprise when DD left her room and came out into the kitchen, PHEW! That was a close one, I was just about to make my move! I was careful about how I opened the packet in case she heard it through the wall, and I even hid the packet in the side table drawer next to me so that I could quickly close it if she came back out.
After gorging the lot, I folded the packet up as small as it would go and hid it - actually hid it in the bin, inside other rubbish so that no one would see it and know what I had done.
All this for some lollies.
Here are the numbers:
(maths was never a strong point so if they're wrong please forgive me)
1 x bag Allen's Chico's = 190g
1 x serve = 20g (9.5 serves to a bag)
1 x 20g serve = 9g sugar & 71 calories
1 x bag (9.5 serves) = 85.5g sugar
or 17.5 teaspoons of sugar & 674.5 calories
I didn't get the sugar rush that I had expected, I didn't get the internal dialogue that usually comes after an episode like that, and there have been a lot - probably thousands. Instead I just asked myself if it was worth it, and instead of looking at it as defeat I looked at it as a detour.
Another unexpected side effect was that the brand new signals that I had been receiving and learning to recognise, that would tell my brain that I'd had enough to eat, completely stopped working today. My brain had long since stopped recognising when I had had enough to eat, and so I would just continue eating until I was either out of food or so full I was ready to be sick. But during the last 2-3 weeks, these signals have been returning, and I have been learning to recognise them. I'm not that successful yet in stopping when the signal goes off, I have to tackle the 'you must clean your plate' notion, but I'm getting there, I'm learning what it feels like to be full, and to know when I have had enough.
But today was different. I woke up hungry - I'm never hungry in the morning. So I had breaky. I was still hungry after breaky, but I waited until late morning and had some fruit. Still ravenous. At 1.30pm I had some lunch, still starving. Early tea and was counting the minutes until I could have another snack. Right now I could eat another full meal.
Now, I know it's not logical, but I'm blaming the sugar.
I know I put it in my mouth, and I take full responsibility for that, but this outcome I did not suspect. This overwhelming hunger, this vacuum in the pit of my stomach, this almost irresistible compulsion to eat - for that's what it is, has to be from last night's massive sugar hit. It's like an iron curtain has been erected around whatever part sends the messages... nothing is getting through...
That was the old me, what changed to send me back there? The only thing I did differently was to consume a disgusting amount of sugar in one sitting.
What else could it be?